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11月14日 pet my petI've got a new pet! wells lets make that 2! one life one and one virtual one. Smelly-my guinea pig. i got it kinda reluctantly. its a disposed aminal of my little cousin. sigh... it shitted alot!!! it came in a styrofoam box and had it covered in its shit in one day!! now my gong gong had a small corner in the garden wired up for it to roam aound freely. no cleaning of cages cos the shit falls on the soil that fertilise the plants. it seems pretty happy having its little piece of wilderness to roam in. it stretches to eat leaves on the bushes, has its own water bottle and a biscuit tin as shelter. think we are not feeding it enuff tho! haha... everytime i have time to see it it is like super hungry. then i'll feed it with veg from the fridge. it doesnt like dried pet food and still prefers to forage for his own leaves over fridge veg.
and yes i finally got my fluff friends. got a froggy wat else! but it is kinda boring having to earn munny to feed it.. tsk. 10月28日 i know whyi know why the church is always so dark and loud during worship. so that it is i can hide in the crowd. no one will notice if i cry cos it is to dark to see, too noisy to hear. it is where i can release my emotions and not worry that someone will see. i dun like trying to hide my tears, i dun like stifling my sobs like i am doing now. even in my own house my own room, i fear that someone will hear me cry. even in my room i have no freedom to sob. even in front of my family i cannot be myself. i am not allowed to sigh... not allowed to be weak. not allowed to be stressed. silent tears, quiet sniffs. i am not as strong as i have made myself to be. angry at how tired i am today. keep taking naps. angry at how stuck i am regarding the facade. angry that no one in the house understands wat i am going thru. stonei realli dunno wat to do now. i am just stoning... i woke up at 10 today. a record time given my morning biological clock of 800 to 830. the proj is very lack of focus... i dunno wat are my key drawings. the list of things to do is like a general to-do list.... i dun realli know what i am presenting. it is not that i am having not enuff sleep.. i think the avg of 4-5hrs is okay for me but i think accumulatively, its taking a toll on my brain, it is now numb and lacks clarity.. drinking at night when i work is not exactly helping either... it just helps me to numb my flighty emotions so that i can continue to function. teach me to fix my eyes on jesus so that i will be able to set my feet upon a rock and not be washed away by the wave of emotions and anxiety of the proj... 10月24日 budebuai天天都需要你陪
我的心思由你猜
l love you
我就需要你让我每天都精彩
dun ask me why i post this
mabbe cos i am listening to this song now.
does it reflect me feeling now?
No.
i am slowly losing the feeling i am suppose to feel.
suppressing it for some time i forgot about it.
soon it will be a week. after a week perhaps i wun feel that bad anymore.
it has been weeks since i am crying in svc. every week.
this is bad.
crying for the heart matters, greiving for the mind matters.
both my heart and my mind is not at rest.
facing deaths every week
zapping dry all my feelings
all my tears
oh but it seems like i got a huge reservior of tears. 9月28日 lesson learnti rem i was asking as archi trained wat can i do to help the poor when i was in medan this june. designing pretty things are not impt in their lives, designing efficient spaces:dun they know better?? today... TKS has the answer... he is like jolim. i dunno how rich they are but they know wat they want. they know wat archi is... it is abt meeting the needs of the people... understanding the people, the culture... they rather design for the poor in thailand. where the designs is not abt winning awards, not abt satisfying clients...
using architecture to empower the poor. TKS talks abt designing in rammed earth... making it mainstream and creating a demand for rammed earth. rammed earth can be easily made by a $100 machine by rural families... this will create income $100 per mth per family abt 50% increase to their income. this low tech brick does not need the specilisation like the industrial materials that is highly commanded and dominating the whole building and architecture industry. or designing with bamboo, easily grown and being able to empower the farmers. this eco building movement that can be driven by a trend started by architects this hopefully drives the demand for materials that does not require industrially driven economy that benefits the top earners, the boss, the "big-fish".... when he was saying that i was like wah..... so filled with awe.... i really dunno how viable the system he says is but when he is saying it it sounds so real, so believable i am like..." so that's how architecture can be used to empower the poor" i think i was so caught up with getting the plans out i forgot how i researched into the lives of the indians last sem... yah... why am i so silly when it comes to programming this sem!! i must think radically!! and get the prog right.... unless i get that right i can never move on to any design... 9月3日 chionging!!hahaha... the chionging session on fri was really a little like a chaperon session but wells it was fun after not chionging for a while. tho the little amt of pple means sometimes the grp diminish to a small no. dunno wats wrong with the guys keep going to get drinks and toilet... they got bladder prob uh?? but okay lah... they got the sense to let the girls be on the inner ring. but leaving us to fend off stranger man who come up to us... tsk tsk tsk...more co-ordination needed. yes someone asked to to dance with him. some stoopid stranger. after i say "no" he still "10secs, 10secs only" TSK!! buzz off!!
anyway i danced with D. and N. D.keep stepping on my toes.....he was really on the verge on encrouching on my private space. he did ask if i feel okay lah but at moments he was just like on the line of crossing my limit. not very comfy esp. when he a little boy....N. was too busy enjoying himself to be bothered with me. ha ha ha but he did asked to dance with me so that he will not be bitchy with the other stranger girls. quite a smart move i must say, so that he will not be tempted to sin... looks like he's grown up. see see see.... the cheperon in me speaking... but really it was with the egging of D. that i started to let loose and really dance. and with N. who really dance to his hearts content, that i learn to just enjoy myself. theres really nothing wrong with this good clean fun. so thank you guys!! and i must say i am also quite impressed with C. very 细心to take care of the girls... bulldozed thru the crowd for us, holding onto me so that i dun get lost in the crowd... reminds me of e. makes me think whether is it the ACS education they had that make them such perfect gentleman. really, have i not met e. before C. i would really have thot he had something for me. but e. taught me that yes there are such perfect gentlemen around who are plain nice. i used to think ACS boys are arrogant MCPs, but really those that i really get to know are the best boys i know. always so sweet and caring and knowing how to treat a lady. if i have a son in the future i would wanna send him to ACS. it is when a man knows how to treat a girl as a lady that she feels and becomes a lady. cos if they dun, we would have to fend for ourselves then who can you blame when we are not lady like.
i thot i would ache like crazy the next day but i din.. hey i'm still young!! hahaha... but such strenous activity cannot too often uh... D. still call me the next day and say we'll go soon.. i'm like soon??!!! 8月29日 tired...i am running on high anxiety mode for no particular reason. and realli this is stressing me out. i am trying all methods to destress, and trust me they are time comsuming and useless. i think without my usual studio kakis to chill after every mind boggling studio session and now my sis is away too... i kinda think wah this is the time it'll be good to have a boyfren to spend time with... and guess wat my mom actualli is SERIOUSLY starting to bug me abt getting a boyfren. she brought the matter up twice this week... *dbish!! i cannot believe it. Have i reached to near expiration date already...? i can foresee my mom setting me up for matchmaking in the future.... argh.... so scary!!
anyway i am going chionging on fri night. can't believe i am still doing it at this ripe old age... hope i can keep up with the energy of the young ones. hope that i can unwind from the session with the young ones. actualli i wondered why i agreed?? wat was i thinking.. hoping... tsk.. hope i am not the only elder there on fri ending up their Chaperon 8月17日 sky highoh ho ho hohoho..... check out my new uber high heels...(msn pic)
i wanted to buy this buy find it a torture for my poor feet.... but now... hee hee hee i am getting a car!! no not me buying it... my aunt but basically i get o drive most of the time lah. so with minimal walking i can wear this 爱美不要命shoes！！！哈哈哈 and because i had to go to 2 shops to find it, i thot it might be selling out realli fast so i had to buy it... at 10% discount only tho.
haha btw i manage to physco my aunt to a smaller honda jazz instead of a huge mpv she wanted cos can save petrol.... she quite can know... telling me the mpv is good cos i can transport my models flat and safely... but in comparison with the $$ savings....small one better, small one better 7月26日 " I came for the poor, the sick, and the lost."just came back from mission trip in medan and aceh. it was a realli short trip with nothing much i can do but many heart wrenching moments. i wish i had the ablity to improve their lives. i wish i could bring jobs to the restless and harressed youths. i wished i had more power to do so many things. once my dad lived like that too. farming in plantations. living in poor conditions without sanitation. losing our estate to gambling and drinking. more than material needs, these brothers and sisters in aceh needed a hope, purpose in life and to see a way they can actually breakout of their current status. youths are disillusion with wat their hardwork can bring, disillusioned with the promises of God, they choose to lead decadent lives which wrenches the heart of wrinkled mothers in the land. there is nothing i can do. all i did was to cry with a wrinkled mother. i dun understand at all wat she said, but it was as if her story played out before my eyes. i cried with her. i beg for forgivenss as the younger generation that hurts out parents. God how can we turn the hearts of these harressed youths. they need a greater dose of love in this parched land. i dun wanna bring $$ to them. they need more hope than $. what they fleeced us of can only last them the next 2 days. they need to be fueled on the hope of God to run the race in the long run. oh... my new idol!!argh... my new idol... 萧敬腾！！！！
他很可爱耶。。。羞涩的笑容，温柔的声音但却具有无比的爆发力。。。强！！
他是台湾星光大道的。。不知道是不是winner.不过是后来加入的挑战者。 本来造型非常恐怖！！80年代的摇滚头，真不知是哪个国度来的。但现在很帅！！不知道他设么时候会发片， 很期待。发现我对会玩乐器的人会无法自拔。尤其会玩几个乐器， 投入与音乐的。。。。我一定会化掉！加油萧敬腾！！ 6月28日 dunno whyall the tw drama is doing me no good man!!! all the lovey dovey tsk! tsk! tsk! the recent retreat i realised that 2 of my sister have never been in a r/s b4 too!! oh dear! how many of my G12 sisters are like me i wonder? and we are all abt 1/4 century old already....okay okay okay for my "ask big", i think personally i wanna ask of the Lord that my valentines day 2008 will not be unspent again!! by faith i believe that someone will see my beauty beyond the thick layers of fats! hahaha!!! i ought to be excercising... but wat i am doing everyday at home.... sigh... the kong ba pao today is doing no help at all... *guilty*
but many times i see fatties with skinnies on the train.. they seem happy that they have found each other leh.. sometimes i myself wonder wat the skinnies see in the fatties but they must have seen a side i did not. God let the someone you have for me open his eyes big big. i so big he must see me, but let him see the side of me you will show him. that he may find his bones of his bones and flesh of his flesh.... tho i might have taken a bit too much! kekekeke!! 4月3日 lord i offer my lifeall that i am
all that i have
i lay them down before you oh Lord
all of my regrets
all my acclaims
the joy and the pain
i'm making them yours
things in the past
things yet unseen
wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
all of my hopes
all of my plans
my heart and my hands i lift them to u
cried dryi dunno wat i am doing already
why am i doing this?
i dunno why my tears wun stop
i dunno this sorrow from within
wat am i doing
wat am i doing.
mechanically producing
i dun even have an end in mind.
realli just doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing doing.................
讨厌自己的眼泪
讨厌自己的软弱
讨厌自己的莫名其妙
讨厌自己的无奈
讨厌自己的心情起伏
讨厌自己讨厌自己 3月25日 spyinformant
i know of
why do i still devulge to informant?
not on purpose i know but after which i wonder and guess
informant did her job
he probably did his homework too
acting upon the time when i am soft.
i cannot i still cannot
he is not the one i can disolve in front of
how would i know
how can i be sure?
wat if he is another la senza
"if you need to talk, call me"=" i'll be there"?
hate this!!
hate this ambiguity!
mabbe its the phrasing
the form of speech
i thot i would not think abt it already!!!
okay okay la senza, just la senza
he will just be a la senza
3月16日 so blessed!went g12 today. wasn't planning to go tonight cos i thot wanna rush nparks to submit. and just got stressed by jolim so was a bit sians. but i decided to go anyway trusting that the Lord would have his plans for me. when i was there i had to will myself to indulge in worship. constantly reminding myself to put all else at the foot of the cross and worship becos God deserves nothing but my whole hearted worship. i did and i enjoyed it immensely. tho when ps cesar preached i kinda dozed off a while but the sessions were good. i felt that it is truly gonna be a year of victory and i wanna trust in the Lord for so much.
after coming back i started to prepare the nparks report. just tried to save a pic in word .doc so that it is one file with all the pages. and guess wat? it works!! and they cannot copy and paste!! and cos i needed to compress file to sent over email. it is only screen quality, they can't even print!! hahahaha kinda evil but will give them the editable copies when i get the $$. it was much faster then expected so i decided to try my design abit. tho i din think i can resolve it cos i was not optimistic but God must be watching over me. i tried the jolim suggestion and tweaked my massing abit. and it was really abit and i got it resloved and with all units facing courtyard too!!! so amazing... just a couple of hours ago i was so convinced that surely it wouldn't work! i never know how i really never know but when God works his miracles it just happens! Hallelujah!!! do you see God working his miracles in your life? firstly are you follwing right in the Lord? if you are, perhaps you need to learn to give thanks and be joyful and God will open your eyes to see the little surprises he puts in your life everyday! muacks!! luv ya, Lord! 2月25日 暗恋桃花园暗恋桃花园
刚看完《暗恋桃花园》 有欢笑，又悲伤。但在最深处，他想表达的意思深而广。若以婷所说的政治立场而言，《暗恋》 代表了中国。含着伟大的共主理想，清廉并带着满腔的热诚。 出发点朴素，单纯，有如那18岁的之凡。 《桃花源》普及化的令人深感亲切。但这亲切中，带着嘲讽，宛如看笑话的心态。埋怨，歧视丈夫后成功的改嫁了但也对新政府， 哦不对是新丈夫不满。
最后《暗恋》没实现它那宏伟的梦。写出的每一封信， 每一句誓言，因为没有行动而赋予存在。《桃花园》的“李登辉”被弃后，流入一个梦幻的理想中，他没意识到自己在人民心中已不为存在。 今时今日要在复返已不可能了。今日所编制的梦幻乐园已没有昔日的税负力，人人当你是放屁。在这新旧交替互争的过程中最无辜，受苦的莫过于那孩子， 子民。
《暗恋》和《桃花园》两剧同时争夺剧场以排练场地但却不欢而散，是否代表了一国两制的荒谬？双方各自认为自己的方式是对的，但最后各自都没找到自己的“桃花园”。 神秘夫人旬的是个《暗》， 《桃》双方都没有的理想，但到最后，神秘夫人的“桃花园”也不符存在啊？ 这理想的国度是真实的吗？ 世上真的会有“桃花园”吗？
反射在你我的微小人生中，我们何尝不是在最求自己的“桃花园”。 寻寻觅觅，努力奋斗，只为了心中的“桃花园”。 会得到吗？把未来理想化，为将来编制的每个梦，实现与否不由你我而知。以我们微小的智慧是永远不会知道的。 那为何不将一切归于上帝安排？ 2月20日 暧昧暧昧让人受尽委屈 找不到相爱的证据 何时该前进何时该放弃 连拥抱都没有勇气。
我们大概拥抱都没有权利吧。
虽然暧昧是恋爱进行曲最美的
但不是也是最苦最烦的吗？
不喜欢这种不一定的感觉
琢磨不定
不喜欢对自己的人生没有主宰
不喜欢对自己的心情没有主宰
2月15日 i will hide in the shelter of your wingsi serve a God who is faithful and true
i will hide in the shelter of your wings
for i find my rest in your faithfulness
yes i serve a faithful God....
you know in the midst of the business of rushing for my interim last week, as i was walking back from dabaoing lunch, i saw an eagle. as i was walking thru the service lane at the back of sde, i saw an eagle flew abov me. i was reminded how ohow the lord will carry me. i may be too tired to fly, to timid to take off, but i only need to nestle in the shadow of his wings and learn to be carried by God, then will i soar. it is not by my feable flapping but is by learning to rest, rest in the Lord. have you found your sercurity in the Lord? or are you still desperately flapping? u dun need love to have that glee in your face, you need your sercurity in God. so will you learn to glow and bask in the Lord today. 2月11日 closurei got my answer.
i think i am satisfied to know that i got another good friend.
at least it keeps me from guessing
i wonder where i got the courage to actually ask
even eugene dun think i would.
but i think my detest for the ambiguity and guessing
i need certainty and security to know when hanging out is 'safe'
negotiating my boundaries. that is what i am doing.
sounds like wat i wanna do in my proj too! haha 2月1日 scareda moment i was enjoying
dreaming anticipating
the beauty of distance keeps my imagination
the longing so plain pure and sweet.
but just an inch you inched
i was rudely interrupted
the bubble of my imaginings burst
my security threatened.
i fear my dream come true
for that i cannot handle.
i will run and i will hide
i will be scared of you
though what i might
want is to hold you tight.
i have to wait to confirm my suspicion
i hope i am wrong.
for i know i cannot handle
not now, perhaps not him |
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