| joycelyn さんのプロフィールjoy in archiフォトブログリスト |  ツール  ヘルプ |
|
10月28日 i know whyi know why the church is always so dark and loud during worship. so that it is i can hide in the crowd. no one will notice if i cry cos it is to dark to see, too noisy to hear. it is where i can release my emotions and not worry that someone will see. i dun like trying to hide my tears, i dun like stifling my sobs like i am doing now. even in my own house my own room, i fear that someone will hear me cry. even in my room i have no freedom to sob. even in front of my family i cannot be myself. i am not allowed to sigh... not allowed to be weak. not allowed to be stressed. silent tears, quiet sniffs. i am not as strong as i have made myself to be. angry at how tired i am today. keep taking naps. angry at how stuck i am regarding the facade. angry that no one in the house understands wat i am going thru. stonei realli dunno wat to do now. i am just stoning... i woke up at 10 today. a record time given my morning biological clock of 800 to 830. the proj is very lack of focus... i dunno wat are my key drawings. the list of things to do is like a general to-do list.... i dun realli know what i am presenting. it is not that i am having not enuff sleep.. i think the avg of 4-5hrs is okay for me but i think accumulatively, its taking a toll on my brain, it is now numb and lacks clarity.. drinking at night when i work is not exactly helping either... it just helps me to numb my flighty emotions so that i can continue to function. teach me to fix my eyes on jesus so that i will be able to set my feet upon a rock and not be washed away by the wave of emotions and anxiety of the proj... 10月24日 budebuai天天都需要你陪
我的心思由你猜
l love you
我就需要你让我每天都精彩
dun ask me why i post this
mabbe cos i am listening to this song now.
does it reflect me feeling now?
No.
i am slowly losing the feeling i am suppose to feel.
suppressing it for some time i forgot about it.
soon it will be a week. after a week perhaps i wun feel that bad anymore.
it has been weeks since i am crying in svc. every week.
this is bad.
crying for the heart matters, greiving for the mind matters.
both my heart and my mind is not at rest.
facing deaths every week
zapping dry all my feelings
all my tears
oh but it seems like i got a huge reservior of tears. |
|
|
